It's been over a year since my last entry onto xanga. Is xanga still breathing on its own, now that Facebook, Twitter and Myspace have taken over?

Regardless, I had to find a blank blog to fill up with words, where I can spill my verbage.

I'm so empty inside. I have a boyfriend who doesn't really fulfill me, but I've hurt him so much that I won't leave him anymore. Is it wrong to be so unhappy with a person because of his economic situation? Perhaps, when it affects me? Maybe I'm just not cut out for this long-distance shit anymore. After being broken twice, what makes me think I can do it a third time? "Third times the charm" has not proven true for me.

The phrase "I love you" has no meaning for me anymore. You love me? Really? Prove it, is what I want to say.

I hope things get better, but I truthfully, honestly don't see the "happily ever after" happening in this relationship.

And maybe it's because my thoughts still betray me (and him) by lingering. God -- Won't you get rid of this plague that soaks the living joy out of my heart?

I'm empty inside. Where is my joy? What do I have to look forward to? My time is spent at one job or the other. People disappoint me, so I don't seek them out anymore. I try to pray to God, but my faith is so weak, I can barely lift a Bible with the small amount of strength I have.

I don't know where this depression comes from. I thought I was okay. I thought I was doing better, that I was happier. But here I am, 1 in the morning, typing away at a xanga that I'd long ago filled up with words accented with tears and sadness. Here I am, returning to the blog that houses all of my frustrations, anger, broken-heartedness ... every emotion and feeling that is of darkness lives in this xanga. And I've returned to it.

It's time once again to reassess the situation. Here are some goals for 2008:

* Go sky diving.

* Get a second job to pay SOMETHING off.

* Lose some more poundage.

* Travel outside of my comfort zone.

* Make some new friends via some avenue that doesn't have to do with work.

* At Christmas time, have a Christmas tree.

* Visit someplace new, like NY or Boston.

* Write something and get it sold.

* Reconnect with God.

* Find myself.

* Perhaps get a puppy?

* Get out of my head and into the world.

* Let my true colors shine.